{becoming}

From my earliest memories there has always been an ideal, a story about the princess that I would like to become. I played "prince and princess" with my sister, my friends, my dolls. I don't think I ever had to be taught that I was supposed to grow up to be that princess. But the idea was there, always, ingrained in me before I was even aware of myself. I was subconsciously consumed with the deep-seated longing to grow up into a beautiful long-haired maiden, to fall desperately, hopelessly in love with a romantic and dashing hero, to be swept, both physically and metaphorically off my feet, and to ride off into the glittering sunset of true love and eternal happiness.

And all of those things happened, more or less. I certainly grew up, at least into a slightly less awkward and more stylish version of my childhood self. I met several dapper gentlemen and eventually managed to fall in love with the one who loved me back. He certainly did sweep me off my feet and onto his longboard and ride off with me. We were, and are, in fact, crazy about each other. Madly in love isn’t exactly how I always pictured it to be, but then again, neither is my hair. Disney movies and romance novels are notorious liars, after all.

But then, life went on. I always knew in a sense that life really did continue after marriage. At least I thought I knew that the big white wedding was the beginning of the story, not the end. I had looked forward, as far as I was able, into the misty future and seen a husband with a steady job, a house with a little garden and a prowly cat, and me, barefoot and pregnant and happily surrounded by fat babies for eternity. I had looked no further.

And then all of the unexpected things started happening. 

The steady jobs didn’t materialize like they were supposed to. The Air Force took us far(ish) away and opened up new doors and new challenges. The house turned into a major remodeling project and the garden into a mud pit. The cat is actually a dog who eats holes in my couch and throws up in my car. And me? Who had I become? I certainly wasn’t barefoot or pregnant or surrounded by babes and their trappings. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make that dream come true. The more I struggled, the more the picture crumbled and I was finally left as I am now: empty and weeping and totally, completely undone.

So what now? I ask myself. What is there to do now? What am I to become in the midst of my shambles? Who shall I be in this strange, unexpected life?

I have focused so hard on the outcomes, the measurable goals and planned future events. And every time I decide, every plan I make, every worry I have morphs suddenly and dramatically into an opposite problem, a totally unexpected decision needing to be made. Not once have things gone as I anticipated. It leaves me shaking and frightened and weak. I’m horribly confused most of the time.

But slowly, slowly the clouds clear. In one tiny space at a time, in one small step after another, I find myself again. Inch by painful, painstaking inch, I am growing.

I am becoming.

I am not who I thought I would be. I am much, much more and I am so very much less than anything I had ever dreamed. This process, this miserable, slow process, with its sudden starts and stops, is what my life is all about. It is about becoming. And I've finally realized that it’s not what I become that matters, but who. Whoever I am meant to be, I will not stop until I have become her. And as the next day comes and the next curve in the road arrives, I will become her all over again.

Image by d'arcy benincosa

{on worry}

These months leading up to the deployment are hard. Right now the deployment is "certain" with a huge dose of uncertainty. The timeline keeps changing, there is a training possibility that means the deployment could be cancelled last minute and P would go elsewhere, there are fertility and adoption issues to consider and living situations to think about. And no decisions can be made without knowing the info that the AF just won't tell us yet! 

There is just so.much.waiting.

And in the midst of the waiting is the enormous pressure to worry. In my attempts to stay calm and not stress I feel like my life has been a constant cycle of yoga, bubble bath, long walk, prayer, repeat. I'm doing everything I know to keep the stress at bay and yet I still see signs of it in my body, in my face. I wake up from hectic dreams and find myself gritting my teeth until my jaw aches. I have moments of overwhelming fear and feel myself teeter on the brink of falling apart.

And yet, amid the stress and worry, I am given gentle reminders of the Lord's presence with me, of His hand guiding us gently and lovingly through this process. In this period of waiting there is fear and trepidation, but there is also comfort and confidence that His plans will ultimately succeed. I cling ferociously to His unceasing love. I remind myself daily that feelings are fleeting and temporary things. I will not feel this forever, I will not wait forever. Days pass slowly, but they always, always pass. 

It's obviously not good for me to be stressed. Thus the bubble baths, the yoga, the calming teas and the time I'm trying to spend in nature every day. I'm avoiding grains and sugars and chemicals and trying to give my mind and body every chance to cope with the stress.

But this period, however difficult or painful, is good for me, too. It is good for me to wait. And I will find joy in the waiting: I will battle worry and learn a deeper, sweeter form of trust. 

images via: modern hepburn, flickr, tumblr

Deployment Gear

We're starting to gear up for the deployment. Phillip is starting to gather up his uniforms and start to prep his stuff. So I figured while he is busy buying new camo and stacking up MRE's, I'd gear up too!

I absolutely love the stuff for sale over on At Ease Designs! I put all four of these shirts in my cart and am still trying to narrow it down to a reasonable number! Which one would you choose? I wear a medium, just in case you were wondering!

{a simplified list of things to do in an empty house}

I spent most of the evening alone tonight. My husband went to a basketball game with some kids from youth group and he didn't get home until 11. And as I sat here and wondered what to do with a totally empty house, I started to make a list. A hopefully long, interesting list of things to do with myself in an empty house.

See, in a little while my husband will be deploying for about six months. And I'm starting to try to prepare myself. I'm starting to think about it every day. To (perhaps) gently cry myself to sleep every night when I snuggle down and start to think about those long nights without him by my side. To prepare my heart, my house, my mind and plans and goals for those slightly lonely months.

So tonight I decided to start preparing. I hope to add, and add, and add to this list. And I hope to check off these items, one at at time, until he's home with me again. Rather than always feeling sorry for myself and bored with myself, I'll tackle one item on the list. I'm sure I'll do some of them many, many times. And others probably not at all. I'm giving myself room on the list to grieve, to eat my feelings, to party and dance and celebrate and cry. Because those are all big parts of life. And my life will go on, even if my whole heart is far, far away.

Things to do when alone in the house:

• Bake something challenging
• Sew
• Craft
• Work out
• Have a solo dance party
• Sing badly
• Learn to play piano
• Make a phone call
• Clean something
• Take a bath
• Read
• Eat ice-cream sundaes (or other forms of chocolate)
• Watch TV
• Read my Bible
• Go for a walk
• Play with the dog
• Write a story, poem, blog post, song, article
• Write a letter, thank you note, encouraging note
• Find out about a worthy cause
• Pray for others
• Pack up a fabulous care package and mail it
• Organize something
• Plan meals
• Plan and accomplish random acts of kindness
• Read up on an interesting subject, like politics or another country
• Learn a new language
• Do yoga, or find a yoga class
• Iron something
• Learn to cook something new
• Yard work
• Plant something
• Paint something
• Make hot chocolate from scratch
• Draw
• Get rid of useless junk
• Go to the gym
• Journal
• Play a computer game/video game
• Drink tea
• Make moodboards and collages
• Shop online for fabulous, overpriced objects
• Take a nap
• Listen to loud music
• Drink wine
• Have a long, satisfying cry 
• Trim the rosebushes
• Pull weeds
• Pick up dog poop in the yard
• Read the classifieds on Craigslist
• Puzzles
• Throw a party

 What would you add to the list?

{new} years that ask and answer

This year.

This year has stretched and challenged me. 

This long hard year has grown me and it has shattered me. 

I am broken and I am better. I am braver and lonelier. I am face down in prayer and I am stretched high in worship. I am questioning and yet I am answered. 

The year ahead is looming now, full of unanswered questions and frightening realities. It is pressing in with whys and hows and wheres and whens. 

And yet, in the quietest moments, there is peace.

In the tiniest answers, there is hope.

In the hardest questions, the deepest pain,the most frightening moments of desperate longing and aching and fear, I am answered by the still small voice of the One who knows my pain. 

In His presence I am healed. In His Spirit I am comforted, encouraged, renewed. 

In the year ahead I will continue to break. And I will continue to heal. I will continue to seek and someday, somehow I will find. This year will answer, or the one after that. And little by little the questions will fade, and little by little new ones will arise to take their place. 

Year by year by year, questions and answers unending.

"But I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more."

Psalm 71:14

Here's to a new year. May its questions and answers draw you ever closer to hope.

Images via: {soliloquy}, pinterest

{young, fast, pretty}

Perhaps this new motto is a little cocky? But sometimes I just need a little extra sass. 

I'm starting a new job next week and it is truly a dream come true. I'll be working part time for my church as a youth administrator, doing things I love with people I love to help kids I love. I seriously can't tell you  how excited I am about that. Also, this will be the second job I've started in about two weeks. The other one is a little less of a dream-job but a great challenge and I can do it from home.  

When things happen, they happen fast!

I'm a bit overwhelmed by the rapid pace at which everything is progressing and changing. On the job front, on the military front, on the house front. I'll hopefully be able to update you on a few of those things soon. 

But for now, I'm trying to focus on the amazing new opportunities. And to remind myself when I feel overwhelmed that I am young, I'm fast, I'm pretty, I have Jesus, and I can't possibly be beaten!

Have a sassy first November weekend!

Images via: quoteswords, the universe...,skonahem

{i press on}

"Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on."

(excerpt from Phillipians 3:13-14)

I am striving and straining to just keep moving forward, even when things seem to pull me back. Even when my heart isn't ready. Even when I'm terrified of the future. And I am very scared. Because the future, aside from being unknown, contains some changes that I'm not prepared to meet. And yet the future, for as far as I can see, remains exactly the same in so many painful ways. How do I press on in hope and courage when I'm exhausted and weak and overwhelmed? When I see a new challenge facing me squarely, coming closer every day, and I'm still carrying the weight of my other trials? How do I keep climbing as the road gets steeper every day?

Sometimes forward is the only way through. 

And as I look forward in anxious anticipation at the road ahead, at the steepness and rocks and troubles that seem to surround me, I comfort myself that at any moment there may be a lull, a break, a valley of flowers and rest. But if I don't keep pressing forward, I will never get to the place where I can finally enjoy the view.

Images via: chic type, quince with sugar, tumblr, kiyoaki, pinterest

{it was never random}

Today I have my first appointment with a fertility specialist. 

I'm nervous. 

But the first day of a new month seems to be a fitting time to begin a new stage in the journey.

It isn't random. It never was.

Wish me luck! 

Encountering Mother-Love in Childlessness

I've been rolling this thought around in my brain for a while, savoring it and saving it until that someday when I would have enough experience to be allowed to talk about it. Because right now, I’m not qualified.

Mommy-love. That insane, overpowering love that all women supposedly feel when they first hold or behold their tiny new infant. That tigress, mama-bear, would kill with my own two hands to protect this thing, love. It’s a love that only moms feel. That only moms talk about. That only moms are allowed to understand.

Being infertile means you get left out of a lot of things. You can’t talk about being sleep deprived because you have no idea what that even means until you have a child. You can’t talk about messy houses, or difficult car trips, or any one of a million things without encountering this kind of mom-superiority. God forbid if a few moms get together and begin discussing babies, children, etc. You certainly can’t understand the love. And as an infertile woman, you’re stuck in this place where you are absolutely dying to be allowed to join in, but it also rips your heart out to overhear it. You begin to hate people who talk diapers and wipes and nursery decorations and pregnancy symptoms. You begin to silently despise women who complain about anything to do with their children. Because how dare they? How dare they not savor every single solitary moment with their precious little one. Especially because they have the love. The sacred love that only moms have.

Why don’t they put it to better use?

Of course I’m being hyperbolic. Of course moms can’t possibly feel loving all the time. It’s about the actions, not the feeling. I came across this article written by a mom who had lost her daughter at five days old. She talked about the love and how it kept her going. How she didn't want it to just go away again, so she poured it out into her life. She began using that love to reach out to others and try to somehow make the world a better place because her daughter had been here. That article really struck a chord with me.

I've been so unable to explain to people why I do what I do. I get a lot of credit somehow because I am infertile and I work in a crisis pregnancy center. I meet with moms or pregnant women and try to help them through. People stare at me with some kind of confused awe when they ask me how I can stand to be there with all these moms and unwanted babies, many of whom choose to abort what I so desperately desire.

I used to kind of shrug my shoulders. I dunno, I’d say, but somehow I just don’t feel those feelings when I’m there. I attribute it to the Holy Spirit, which I know is where that strength comes from. And I feel uncomfortable with the awe and the pats on the back. Because it honestly isn't hard. And while I was reading that article, it struck me:

This is the love.

The love is why I do what I do. I’m not left out of anything. I have that love, that mother-love that I so sacredly esteemed and so jealously desired. I have it. It was in me all along, and I am doing the only thing I can do with it; I’m pouring it out on a hurting world. I’m taking that energy and love that I want to be pouring into my child and giving it to hurting women and broken families.

I’m starting to believe that we all have that love inside of us. It’s the love that Jesus talks about that lays down its life for a friend. The love that brought Him down to earth and led Him up onto the cross. The love He told us to have for each other. This is loving your neighbor.

This love isn't just for moms. Maybe I’m going to make a lot of moms mad by saying this, but they don’t have a corner on love. Humans have loved each other ferociously for centuries. Men have given their lives on the battlefield to protect their comrades. Strangers have run into burning buildings to rescue someone they’ll never know. Love, overwhelming, unafraid, feisty and complicated has been the motivator for acts of desperation and glory throughout our entire history. It’s the climax of every story, the truest need of the human heart. Maybe moms feel it in a different way, but they don’t own it. They can’t. Because the love belongs to everyone.

The love has always been here inside me. Inside you, too. Sometimes I have felt the love, and it was a frightening thing. It’s been stuck inside me, yearning to get out and pour out into a child, and it has turned bitter and horrendous and scary. It has been in me, trying to escape, and it has overwhelmed me with grief and loss and a strange, horrible sense of beautiful rage. I don’t know how else to explain it. The love is in me, and it must get out.  Do you feel it in you? Are you holding it in and allowing it to fester and change into something it’s not?

Let it out. You have love, beautiful love, inside you, and with it you can change the world.

{listening}

There are so many possibilities swirling around me right now. My mind is flooded with ideas, both big and small, for change and growth and possibly some life-altering steps. There are quite a few things I have been contemplating for some time now. I tend to think about this idea or that and then discard it instead of pursuing it. 

I'm often terrible at taking that first big leap of faith and actually starting down any road. I have been so torn this last year. I know I am where God wants me to be, but am I doing everything He wants me to be doing? Does He want me to try again, try harder, to find a full-time job? Or any job? Or am I supposed to be in a resting period, a stay-at-home wife with little to do in preparation for the next stage of my life? I have been trying to wait with patience, to fill my time with really worthy activities. I really love working with the kids at church, and I do that a lot. I love taking care of my house and cooking healthy meals and walking my dog and crafting and entertaining. I love my bible study group and the hard work it often involves. I love working with the women at the pregnancy center and feeling like I really am helping women, one at a time, and pouring love into their often dark lives. But is that enough? Is that all I should be doing right now?

There have been a few things going around and around in my mind for a very long time now. One thing I have been considering for at least a year is the idea of going back to school. I would love to get my degree in Christian counseling and use it to help women and teens. I finally did a little bit of research into programs and schools and tuition. Money is a major factor that's been holding me back from even considering it. Also, I don't want to go back to school. I want to know about counseling, be a counselor, help others. But I really don't want to go to school.
There's an open job at the pregnancy center right now and I sent in my resume, hoping to at least get some more information about working there, which has also been on my mind for a long time. But the second I sent in my resume I was gripped with indecision and fear and uncertainty. Is that kind of full-time job, with a long commute and long hours, what I really want? Is it what God really wants for me?
There are also so many options surrounding adoption, foster-parenting, infertility treatments, the possibility of moving soon, and on and on and on.

This seems to be my biggest problem, really. I honestly don't know what I want.

So for now, I'm just trying to really listen. To listen to myself. To listen to God. To listen and discern what's best for me, for my family, my future, my ministry. I'll let you know if I hear anything worthwhile. 

Diary of an Unwilling Air Force Wife: Courage

I have to say, these past few months have not been entirely easy. While I technically live a life of relative ease and comfort, I have to face my share of trials just like anyone else. Some weeks I face the challenges more gracefully than others. I'm not know for my motivation or discipline when it comes to most tasks. I'm terrible at exercising regularly and even at making my bed every morning. But I have been making a concerted effort to move slowly towards the accomplishment of my goals. And it's been a long, slow process.

Here is my original list of goals, and how I'm doing:

Start an Etsy shop to sell some of my crafts - I started the shop. I listed two whole items, and sold...nothing ;)

Finish making all of my half finished or even never-begun crafts - I've finished some. I've begun even more. It's a wash.

Take a course and get certified as an interior decorator - Nope

Finish painting and decorating my house - I've moved um....3 times since then? I guess this can continue to be a goal for my new house, and I'll have to add "remodel" to the list

Run a marathon - You'll be happy to know that I have been running fairly consistently, about 4 times a week for 4 weeks now. I've even gotten much faster - I'm running 3-4 miles oftener and faster. On my way, but I might want to amend this to "1/2 marathon" because it's just a lot more reasonable

Cook healthier meals, and cook them more often - Yes!! Since I've moved and don't have a job anymore, I cook a LOT! But this can always be improved, we still eat out and eat junk, cause, well, we do.

Master my temper. Become more in love and show it, no matter what - This is definitely a work in process. But I definitely feel the whole Air Force thing has made me appreciate my husband more, and our relationship has improved vastly. Still not perfect, never will be, to be continued always.

Learn to speak at least some Spanish - Uh....nada

Paint and draw pictures again - I drew my mother-in-law a cute bunny picture for her 50th birthday! And I've done a bit of other drawing, too. But I could definitely stand to do a lot more of this.

Make friends with someone outside my normal social circle, preferably with a stranger - uhh.....all my friends in Denver?! Hurray I'm so proud! 

Take a class, or join an indoor soccer team, or a book club, bascially a new activity on my own, without friends or family there - get outside my comfort zone - I did join the base soccer team for like...2 games. I hurt my knee and dropped out, I should get back into that! However, I also volunteered at the pregnancy center, which is totally not a club but is definitely something way outside my comfort zone. Plus the whole moving, new town, new church, new everything, thing. I'm giving myself a big A on this one :)

Practice the piano so that I can read music and play a song again - Uh....no. But we got a keyboard and my mom showed me how to play songs by the chords. I also practiced scales once. 

Read my Bible every single day, no matter what - I'm doing really well at this!! I've promised myself not to turn on my computer every day until I've read it. And I'm doing it! yay!

Send packages and snail mail to my friends, especially the ones in other states/countries - I have done some of this! 

Become a better blogger and grow my readership - gain a follower I don't know in real life - Well, very slowly but yes! And I do have several internet-only, never met ya but love ya, followers! 

So anyway. 

I've been thinking a lot about the spiritual growth aspects of my goal list, specifically.

I think the more I grow, spiritually, the bigger my challenges and trials will be. Once I can run X miles, I have to challenge myself to work harder and run further, which is painful and tiring. The same goes for my spiritual walk. The more I can rely on God, the more I trust him, the better I become, the more I will be challenged and tested and stretched. And it can be very, very painful. 

These past few months have been grueling sometimes, and I often feel like I trip and fall flat in several spiritual areas. But with God's help, I'm still moving forward.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Diary of an Unwilling Air Force Wife: Spoiled Rich

                                                                     Source: thatswhatthatmeans.tumblr.com via Daniella on Pinterest

Last night, while I was making dinner, I came to a very unfortunate realization:

We were out of everything. Including money.

There was no butter to go in the mashed potatoes, which were made from our very last potatoes. So I used an old (don't ask how old, just don't) carton of cream, because there was also no sour cream or cheese. 

But the potatoes turned out just fine. We ate them under our last two pieces of chicken. 

Technically we're not out of money. That's just a joke, I promise. We're just running low on funds and food at the same time.

All our bills for the month are paid, so we just have to make it through the next two weeks. 

I have enough money to buy the ingredients for a crock pot recipe we both love that makes dinners and lunches for days on end. And I'll probably buy some milk, so that if all else fails I can survive on coffee alone.

This is all a great big joke to us, because if we really needed it we could just dip into our savings a tiny bit and voila! problem solved! But it's actually kind of fun to see how far we can stretch it, how many meals I can scrape together from the random items in my pantry. 

Which brings me to my soap box speech for the day.

Phillip and I, based on our taxable income, live below the poverty line. We're poor, ya'll. This is what every young angry American is complaining about at the Occupy Wall St. protests. This is the great injustice that liberals are desperate to fix. This monetary gap between us and the spoiled rich. 

Have you ever been to a third world country? Have you ever met someone who lives with their six smiling children in a hovel the size of your kitchen with no running water? Have you met a happy, joyful person who is considered well -off in their home country but whose teeth are falling out from lack of dental care and who has maybe 5 t-shirts in their closet? 

We, the American people in general, and specifically the poorest of the poor, one income only enlisted military families, are the spoiled rich. 

I am outraged at the entitlement in our country, at the insane desire for more and more of someone else's money, when we should be focusing all our energies on praising God for the amazing blessings in our lives. 

I refuse to be considered one of the 99%, because if I, living "below the poverty line," have a three bedroom heated house, and delicious food on my table, and fancy new clothes in my closet, cannot be grateful for what I have, and thankful in all circumstances, then how does our country stand a chance? I should be trying this hard to save money every month so that I can send more to where it's needed and give more to those who truly have nothing. 

                                                                   Source: Uploaded by user via Melinda on Pinterest

Gratitude, people. Let's show some! 

Sorry. Rant over.

- nothing is really very frightening -

                                                                Source: lepetithappy.blogspot.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                          Source: kuorinki.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                        Source: interiors-porn.tumblr.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                      Source: vmburkhardt.tumblr.com via Daniella on Pinterest

This week, Phillip and I have been spending quite a bit of time planning. We've been discussing our future, our plans for moving or staying here, for what we need to accomplish this year and how to go about it. There are so many unknowns in the future, and so many choices and decisions we have to make. I've been praying really hard that we'll be given guidance to make the best decisions and the wisest choices. Sometimes the unexplored future feels so uncertain and scary, but I know there's a plan for us. I love this quote, because it makes some sort of silly sense to me. Frightening is all a matter of perspective, after all! 

I hope you have a delightful weekend! Don't be afraid of what the future holds!

{3}

                                                                   Source: theglitterguide.tumblr.com via Daniella on Pinterest

Three years ago today, I married the man of my dreams!

I can't believe how long and how short an adventure it's been! 

Happy Anniversary, baby! 

I love you more than snow and sweaters and old red cars!

Diary of an Unwilling Air Force Wife: I think I need to move

This week has solidified my strong desire to move off base. Forget the stained white carpets, the lack of fenced yards, the supremely expensive electricity bills, and the ridiculous rules. I now have more concrete reasons. I really need to move.

At around 11AM on Monday, I took my dog out for our daily walk. It was pleasant enough outside to wear shorts and a sweatshirt and I walked along with my coffee in hand. I ran into another woman walking her two tiny little pups and I stop to chat with her when we both realized that we knew each other. We sat next to each other in a military spouses class a few months ago. We chatted for a minute and then each continued our walks in opposite directions around the housing complex. Somewhere on the other side, I ran into Kristine again. We stopped again, let our dogs sniff each other again, and chatted some more. I even put her phone number into my phone so we could get together at a later date. While we were talking, a young man with two puppies came upon us as he chased his dogs (sans leashes) down the path. His dogs of course stopped to meet our dogs, so he stopped too. I mistakenly called one of his dogs a husky when it was something else, but he was friendly and told us all about the breed(which I promptly forgot). Dog owners always have things to talk about. 

But then.

I have had this idea weighing on my mind that I really need to find someone whom I can pay to shovel the snow off our driveway when we're out of town this winter. I had thought to myself that a teenager would perfectly fit the bill, because they'd be eager to earn a few extra bucks and would be strong and able. With these thoughts darting through my head, and my normal social awkwardness making me a bit fuzzy, I said "You're the first teenage boy I've met on base" by way of introducing this driveway shoveling subject. 

"Ma'am," he replied, "I'm 21 and I'm in the Air Force."

Oops. I quickly and fumblingly apologized, and we stood there for a moment, a group of awkward strangers whose dogs' leashes were entangled in a giant web, keeping us literally tied together for a long minute of terrible silence. If it weren't for that, I probably would have run away immediately. One of us managed to change the subject after that interminable minute, but there was very little left to say. He gathered his dogs to take them back home and Kristine and I quickly said our goodbyes. Basically, we all wandered away in a confused and awkward haze. 

In my defense, the poor guy looked very, very young, and he had a young voice to match. And he wasn't wearing his uniform, so how was I to know? Oh, the wedding ring on his finger, you say? To that I say, shut up. Just kidding. I will never, ever, reference anyone's age, ever again. And I'd gladly pay the housing office $200 to shovel my driveway if I could take that moment back again. 

Obviously I have to move.

Oh, but that's not all.

Apparently the maintenance team is performing "winterization" tasks this week in all our homes. 

They sent out a letter informing us of that fact, but I forgot.

Yesterday, I was in the shower covered in soap and suds with my razor in hand when I heard the dog start to bark. Sometimes she barks when someone walks through our yard. But she kept barking, and barking, and getting louder and louder and angrier. I rinsed off as quickly as I could, threw on the nearest robe, and emerged, skimpy and dripping, to find out what was going on. 

"Hello?!" I called as I opened my bedroom door.

"Maintenance, Ma'am" came a loud strong voice, slightly muffled by my dog's incessant barking.

They apparently rang the doorbell, although I never heard it, and then just let themselves in.

I guess I should just be glad my dog didn't bite them.

Or should I be? Don't I want my dog to bite strange men when they come in my house and I'm indecent? 

 I really, really need to move. 

An Anniversary and a Birthday

This is the one year anniversary of Phillip joining the military. He left for basic early in the morning of Nov. 9. I said goodbye and went about my day and never even really cried over it. That night I went out with a small group of people and had a nice dinner and a big rum and coke. (Ok, it was mostly coke, I had to get the waiter to pour it in a bigger glass and add more coke.) It was my baby brother's 21st birthday! He was so sweet, he took care of me that day and then for several weeks when I was scared alone at home he lived with me. 

He's had a really hard year in several ways, but I am so proud of him. This year he graduated from college, started grad school, has done some amazing things at work, and has filled the lives of his family with joy and fun and strength. He is so passionate about so many things, and never compromises on what he believes is right. I miss living with him and having him come home at two in the morning and walk into my room and wake me up to talk over his life. But I still love getting his phone calls and funny text updates on his life. And I'm glad we're still so close that he can come visit me all the time. 

Happy Birthday, little brother! 

I'm praying that your year is full of the presence of God and all the knowledge you need of His will for you. 

Love you!

Diary of an Unwilling Air Force Wife: Expectation v. Reality

                                                                                      Source: 500px.com via Daniella on Pinterest

As I mentioned before, I was supposed to go to Canada this week. I've been dreaming of Prince Edward Island ever since I started reading L.M. Montgomery books as a young girl. It is the destination of my dreams and I am dying to go. My grandparents are on a month-long camping trip across the country and up into Canada to follow the changing leaves. They invited me to fly into Montreal and head up to PEI with them and then fly home from Boston. I had enough frequent flyer miles to make my ticket about $50 and I was busy planning my wardrobe and charging my camera and pre-missing Phillip when something went wrong with the airline and I wasn't able to go. 

I was seriously disappointed, but I was still pretty sick and didn't have the energy to be too upset. Instead, I started planning fun adventures for Phillip and I for the weekend. I knew I'd be feeling much better by now and I was looking forward to an Oktoberfest in a mountainous Colorado town and some late morning coffees and hopefully hiking and maybe a romantic dinner date or two.

Well, none of that stuff really happened, either.

Phillip ended up having to work all morning. I stayed home, walked the dog, and didn't drink any coffee because we were out of milk. When he finally came home, I talked him into taking me to Snooze, a fun local restaurant with a really unusual breakfast menu. I finally got coffee. 

We drove through the fabulous neighborhoods around the Cherry Creek shopping district and looked at the houses for sale and discussed the pros and cons of each one and tried to decide which one we would buy if we were millionaires. The decision was pretty much ANY of them. It's a gorgeous, wonderful neighborhood. 

We stopped at the store for a few things and came home so Phillip could get back to his never-ending homework. Instead of going out tonight, we have to stay in because Phillip agreed to be on call for one of his coworkers who happened to have very expensive tickets to a beer festival today. 

I'm making steak and fresh green beans for dinner. And for dessert I've baked this absolutely amazing-sounding cake roll. We'll probably watch a movie, maybe light candles and snuggle and chat, and I'm not upset anymore. 

So I guess the moral of this story is that good food can always cheer me up. 

Or maybe that I shouldn't be so upset when kinks and changes are thrown into my plans. 

I think being a military wife is all about learning to make the best of any situation, learning to appreciate my husband whenever he is around. Too often I allow the sudden changes to frustrate me, and I need to learn to just adapt quickly and turn every challenge into a fun new adventure.

And if all else fails, I can always have a little more chocolate. 

Air Force Ball recap

I received a very desperate-sounding comment from (I think) my mom and sisters in Vienna to post more about the Air Force Ball. And I wouldn't want to disappoint my fans. ;) 

I did indeed spend way too long trying millions of different things with my hair, but I was fairly satisfied with the results in that it was out of my face, elegant I guess, and stayed put all night (until I got home and found a bobby pin down the back of my dress.) 

Phillip took a few photos of my in our yard before we left for the ball. And at the ball? No. I am married to a photographer with a million photographer and PR friends and as far as I know none of them took a picture of either of us, much less both of us together. We did, after all, do a photo shoot with his work friends at the "professional" booth set up to take couples shots (like at prom). I use the term professional loosely because the shots are terrible. They spent a lot of time setting up a backdrop and then managed to get the wall in every shot? But if you really want to see them, you can go here or to my Facebook page. I'm grateful that there is at least one shot of Phillip and I together even if it isn't great.

Oh my goodness I am making a ridiculous face in this picture. It looks kind of goofy and squinty at this size, and when you zoom in it just gets worse and worse. So I won't be zooming in. But Phillip went to all that trouble to do some funky photoshop thing to this so I thought I'd show you. 

Ah, a lovely shot of me in the car - but you can sort of see my bracelet and wrap and purse here. My mother-in-law and I made the bracelet and necklace when she was in town last time, and I really love them! What you can't see is that my nails were (are) super cute with pretty sparkly tips. That's right, I did it myself. And I kept (keep) getting distracted by the sparkles under the lights throughout the evening. I like this polish!

As for the ball itself, we got there extremely early because we're still not very good at judging Denver traffic. So we went to Starbucks and ordered a giant latte to share and I went to the bathroom and the nice Starbucks guys gave Phillip the latte for free. And it was amusing to be in public in such fancy outfits. I felt sort of attention-whorish.

We went back to the Marriott Hotel at six when the "social hour" was supposed to start and ordered a couple of drinks. One each. Because they are excessively expensive and who could afford to get drunk at the AF Ball? Not an E3, no sirree. We sat around and watched people chat and Phillip said hi to the occasional person who's photo he's taken. All the people we actually knew were incredibly late, so we spent the social hour wandering around while Phillip took pictures and we discussed the pros and cons of all the fancy dresses. 

After the social hour we were all allowed into the ballroom and I had to save a table for all of Phillip's still absent friends. Can I just say that I hate saving seats and from now on I may just refuse to do so? Phillip wandered off to take photos and I had to tell a million people that, yes, this is an entire empty table and no, you may not sit at it because a bunch of PR people who are wandering around supposedly working will be right back. It made me feel quite cliquish and I didn't like it. But I did manage to make room for three people I didn't know and make their acquaintance while I waited. 

The PR people finally did show up, and dinner finally started, and I had the steak, of course. There was also a chocolate fountain or two that I raided with Phillip's supervisor before dinner actually got underway, so I had a bite of steak, a bite of broccoli, a bite of marshmallow covered in chocolate, repeat. Dinner lasted a long time and it was actually rather hard to have a conversation because it was SO LOUD. But we all know how I love to eat, so I can't really complain. 

When dessert was served, a veteran pilot gave a very interesting talk about his time as a prisoner of war. He spent six years as a POW and talked about how he and his comrades survived by holding on to their faith, American values, and stubbornness. He was really fascinating and a little hard to understand. After his speech and another by the Commander of Buckley, they had a dance-off between the First Sergeants and Chiefs. They both prepared this goofy dance routine and performed. It was really funny. After the dance-off they finally started the dancing for everyone else. By that point in the evening I actually wasn't feeling very well, so we left without doing any dancing. They were only playing hip-hop line dances, and as we all know, I'm pretty much terrible at those. Except the macarena, at which I excel. 

So that's pretty much it. It was very fun to see all the men and women in uniform acting goofy with their families. I definitely want to go back next year!  

Diary of an Unwilling Air Force Wife: Conquer the world

“I can conquer the world with one hand, as long as you are holding the other”

I just wanted to mention that today is the one year anniversary of the day my life changed forever. I guess, in a way, every small change could be changing my life forever. But this, the day Phillip told me he had decided to join the Air Force, definitely felt like one of the biggest and most life-changing days of my life. Almost every other change had happened so gradually. Even getting married felt like a more gradual change, because I knew that I loved Phillip, I knew that I wanted to marry him, I knew that it was coming, I knew what to expect. 

But when Phillip told me he was joining the Air Force, it was the most sudden change I’d ever experienced. It meant moving somewhere, anywhere in the world. It meant losing my job, leaving my friends and family, leaving my adorable little house, my church, my soccer team, my AWANA girls, my home.

I honestly did not see the Air Force as a good thing. I accepted it, I accepted Phillip’s leadership and his decision, but I was not happy. I was not at all convinced that this could possibly be for the best. In fact, I was sort of counting on being miserable. But I tried to hide my attitude, to be supportive and positive. I bought Phillip a poster that said “My darling, let’s be adventurers” to show my willingness to follow him on this next adventure. But I didn’t actually expect good things.

Now that I look back over this too short and too long year, I can see that so much good has come as a result of the obedient response to this calling in our lives. I know that Phillip joined the Air Force because he was called by God to serve his country, and I can see that God has blessed him for his obedience. Phillip’s blessings have been: training in a very interesting field, a steady and interesting job where he gets to meet high-ranking officers and officials, a fabulous transfer to a wonderful private university where he can finish his Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees very quickly and frugally. I know that he is blessed to be able to provide for his family, to have an excellent witness to people who are hurting at work, to learn new skills and vastly expand his resume.

 I also believe that God has blessed me for my obedience, for following my husband to the ends of the earth and respecting him and his calling. My blessings have been: quitting a job that I was beginning to hate, getting my ultimate dream job of stay at home wife, getting to travel the world and having the freedom and time to do so, learning to be closer to my husband even through separation, and bringing me to a place where I can minister to my unsaved relatives and be an encouragement to the people around me.

It was so wonderful to wake up this morning and be able to look back over this last year, to see the hand of God directing our steps and answering our prayers in ways we didn’t even think were possible. I know that there are going to be many hard times ahead, and that this new life we’re leading won’t always feels fabulous and blessed, but I know that, as long as we are trying our hardest to follow God on this adventure, together we can conquer the world. 

Housewifery

I haven't got anything terribly important to say today, except that I'm trying a little harder this week to get myself on more of a schedule and get a little more accomplished every day. I got up earlier than usual and tried to make Phillip breakfast, but I think he was confused and felt that his peaceful morning had been interrupted by all my questions about what he wanted to eat.
All I really have to share are these hilarious cards and posters I've been collecting. They amuse me and, sadly, several of them are a little too relate-able. 

                                                                               Source: tumblr.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                             Source: None via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                               Source: yfrog.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                       Source: someecards.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                       st

via pinterest

What are the rest of you housewives up to this week?