{becoming}

From my earliest memories there has always been an ideal, a story about the princess that I would like to become. I played "prince and princess" with my sister, my friends, my dolls. I don't think I ever had to be taught that I was supposed to grow up to be that princess. But the idea was there, always, ingrained in me before I was even aware of myself. I was subconsciously consumed with the deep-seated longing to grow up into a beautiful long-haired maiden, to fall desperately, hopelessly in love with a romantic and dashing hero, to be swept, both physically and metaphorically off my feet, and to ride off into the glittering sunset of true love and eternal happiness.

And all of those things happened, more or less. I certainly grew up, at least into a slightly less awkward and more stylish version of my childhood self. I met several dapper gentlemen and eventually managed to fall in love with the one who loved me back. He certainly did sweep me off my feet and onto his longboard and ride off with me. We were, and are, in fact, crazy about each other. Madly in love isn’t exactly how I always pictured it to be, but then again, neither is my hair. Disney movies and romance novels are notorious liars, after all.

But then, life went on. I always knew in a sense that life really did continue after marriage. At least I thought I knew that the big white wedding was the beginning of the story, not the end. I had looked forward, as far as I was able, into the misty future and seen a husband with a steady job, a house with a little garden and a prowly cat, and me, barefoot and pregnant and happily surrounded by fat babies for eternity. I had looked no further.

And then all of the unexpected things started happening. 

The steady jobs didn’t materialize like they were supposed to. The Air Force took us far(ish) away and opened up new doors and new challenges. The house turned into a major remodeling project and the garden into a mud pit. The cat is actually a dog who eats holes in my couch and throws up in my car. And me? Who had I become? I certainly wasn’t barefoot or pregnant or surrounded by babes and their trappings. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make that dream come true. The more I struggled, the more the picture crumbled and I was finally left as I am now: empty and weeping and totally, completely undone.

So what now? I ask myself. What is there to do now? What am I to become in the midst of my shambles? Who shall I be in this strange, unexpected life?

I have focused so hard on the outcomes, the measurable goals and planned future events. And every time I decide, every plan I make, every worry I have morphs suddenly and dramatically into an opposite problem, a totally unexpected decision needing to be made. Not once have things gone as I anticipated. It leaves me shaking and frightened and weak. I’m horribly confused most of the time.

But slowly, slowly the clouds clear. In one tiny space at a time, in one small step after another, I find myself again. Inch by painful, painstaking inch, I am growing.

I am becoming.

I am not who I thought I would be. I am much, much more and I am so very much less than anything I had ever dreamed. This process, this miserable, slow process, with its sudden starts and stops, is what my life is all about. It is about becoming. And I've finally realized that it’s not what I become that matters, but who. Whoever I am meant to be, I will not stop until I have become her. And as the next day comes and the next curve in the road arrives, I will become her all over again.

Image by d'arcy benincosa

Amsterdam {take three}

One more quick (or not) post about my recent adventures in Europe!

I spent one day biking around the canals in Groningen, which is a University town north of Amsterdam. Pretty much every one bikes in the Netherlands. I absolutely loved it! 

This is the University, it's over 500 years old. It was so pretty! Also - see all those bikes in the distance?!

The rest of the my days were spent either working, schmoozing, or wandering around Amsterdam. 

House boats on a canal in Amsterdam.

This house had an entire garden growing up it's face! 

The Blomenmarkt!

Another beautiful church. 

Dad and I in a giant wooden shoe! 

We spent one day doing WWII things - we went to a memorial/graveyard and then went to visit the John Frost bridge.  

I could seriously post photos of canals all day long. I absolutely loved them!

See?

I had one great day wandering around the Rijksmuseum. I got to see a lot of Rembrandt and Van Gogh.

Canals. Can't help myself.

So anyway! That was my trip in a 3-post nutshell!

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Brussels {take two}

After leaving Versailles we were off in a whirlwind to Brussels. I've always wanted to visit Brussels because it was the home of the Bronte sisters for several years. I was picturing Villette the entire time I was there! 

One of the beautiful buildings on the Grote Markt in Brussels. This square is so beautiful! I did a ton of eating and shopping and wandering in the area surrounding the square. 

Flower market in the Grote Markt. 

Very attractive ;) This was probably the most delicious thing I ate on the trip, a Belgian waffle from a street vendor in Brussels.  

However, the waffles were so messy we had to sneakily wash our hands in a random fountain on the side of a building.  

I just loved pretty much every single building in Brussels. Each was so unique and lovely. 

From Brussels we headed up to the Netherlands to work. But I did manage to squeeze in quite a bit of play! But I'm saving that for next time. Ta ta for now!

Paris {take one}

I want to show you all of my pictures! But that really won't do, there are so many!

We arrived in Paris in the morning, and after a quick bite to eat we rushed off to see as many sites as we could!

 Church near our hotel. There were seriously gorgeous buildings everywhere!

 Notre Dame Cathedral was really impressive. Touring churches may be one of my very favorite activities in Europe.

 Dad napping at a cafe. I swear to you this man can sleep anywhere!

 We walked along the Seine and checked out the oldest bridge in Paris.

 Dad and I outside the Louvre. Thanks random stranger for the pic!

 Love the juxtaposition of old and new!

The one day we left our umbrellas in the hotel room was the only day it rained! We huddled under some trees for a while but then just kept trekking on. 

After darting in and out of shops along the Champ de Elysee (famous shopping, but we didn't buy anything, too pricey!) we ate dinner and went to visit the Arc de Triomphe. We climbed the stairs all the way to the top for the most phenomenal view of the city and the Eiffel Tower!

The views were seriously breathtaking. 

 The next day we returned to the Louvre. Here's the Venus di Milo.

 There was some seriously impressive Babylonian stuff. Pretty much everything was impressive, actually! We only managed to see about 1/3 of the museum, it was sooo big!

 One of my favorites, Cupid and Psyche.

 That night we went up the Eiffel Tower! We climbed stairs up the first two floors. Oof. We were climbing with a cute French couple who were all dolled up, the girl was climbing the stairs in 4 inch heels! At the top I watched them get engaged! So cute!

The next day we took the train out to visit Versailles!

 I never thought I'd see too much gold in my life, but I may have to admit it was a little...gaudy.

 This hall wasn't gold!

 Just a fancy ceiling or two...or twenty.

 Dad and I in the Hall of Mirrors.

 I believe this was Marie Antoinette's bedroom. 

 My favorite part was actually the musical gardens. There was classical music playing throughout the acres and acres of lovely hedges and grass and flowers and pools. So beautiful!

 There were lots of mazes for romantic seductions and political intrigues. I mean, I'm sure that's what they were for, right?

Fountains galore that splashed in time to the music!

And just a simple carriage house that I fell in love with. 

We rushed back from Versailles (and almost missed our train!) and were on our way to Brussels!

But I think I'll save that story for another day. Photo overload, much?

Have a fabulous weekend!

{lupine lady}

I, too, want to visit far away places. I, too, want to live by the sea. And I, too, must do something to make the world more beautiful.

Grandma Lueker's Cranberry-Orange Relish

In honor of Thanksgiving, I thought I'd share one of my favorite recipes with you guys!

Last year, we hosted my in-laws for Thanksgiving, and my mother-in-law Kimberlae asked me to make this cranberry relish for her instead of the traditional cranberry sauce.

Since I don't really care for cranberry sauce, I readily agreed to try it her way!

According to Kimberlae, this was her grandmother Martha Lueker's recipe. Grandma Lueker was from Germany, and, according to Kimberlae, all good Lutherans can make a jello recipe for any occasion! Grandma Lueker apparently used to make this with an old hand grinder that clamped to the counter and all the juice would run down the cabinets to the floor! 

I just love these details about old relatives. It gives a special meaning to the recipe for me, even if it IS mostly just jello ;) Tradition is super fun, and I like to think that generations of women before me have made and served this for Thanksgiving. 

The recipe calls for 2 cups of cranberries and a small orange - since I don't have an old hand grinder, I put them together in the blender. Make sure there are no seeds in your orange! I squeezed the juice out to give it a little liquid to help the blending process. I also went ahead and used a whole bag of cranberries, even though it was technically more than two cups. Maybe that explains why my blender almost overflowed at the end...

Sometimes the blending is a wee bit difficult. Don't worry if it won't all blend. 

Because....

You're gonna mix a package of strawberry jello, 3 Tablespoons of sugar, and a Tablespoon of vinegar into a cup and a half of boiling water. When it's all dissolved, just pour it into your blender and mix some more!

It looks like a delicious smoothie! And I'm not gonna lie, it was tempting to me to drink it like this.

You can either pour it all into one large jello mold or put it in individual serving dishes, like I did. I made 14 in all (which is actually a double recipe, but it won't all fit in the blender at once!) because I'm having 13 people total for Thanksgiving dinner next week. The extra one is for me to eat early, because I just can't wait! 

I hope you all love it as much as I do! I really like that it utilizes fresh cranberries instead of cooking them, it is so fresh and such an amazing, light, almost spongy texture! 

Enjoy!

{how to judge}

My friend Emily used to play a little game that I found both inspiring and a little bit annoying. Whenever I'd get upset with someone, Emily would make up the wildest excuses to account for their behavior. If someone was driving wrecklessly and cut me off, I'd snap at them a bit or comment on their stupidity. Emily would say "Maybe he's trying to get his pregnant wife to the hospital!" She had an excuse for everyone, no matter what the situation. It always made me feel a tiny bit guilty for my angry reaction. 

I've tried to convert to her point of view, to learn to play that game myself. And what a valuable lesson, what a wonderful way to live life. To go through and extend a little extra grace to the people around us, to make excuses for others, even if they don't deserve it. What a wonderful habit, to try not to judge people solely on their behavior, but on their motives, their intentions, and their experiences. 

Of course, some actions are fairly indefensible, some people are cruel, some situations are basically unpardonable. But, to extend kindness to someone else, even in a terrible situation, is just another level of the game. The more we can forgive in others, the more we can truly love them. And what a difference we can make in their lives when we show them a little more patience than they deserved. What a difference it can make in our own lives, just extending the compassion we've been given, and passing along the mercy we have been shown. 

It's all about how you judge.