To my future-ones

Hello you, whoever you are.

I cannot wait to meet you. I am just dying to finally hold you and know you and live every day with your sweet young self.

I don't much care who you turn out to be, as long as you're finally mine. There are just a few things I want for you:

I want you to be carried in my own womb, grown in my own body, a mysterious mixture of your father and me. I want to see his eyes and my hair and hopefully his gentle temperament and fierce loyalty blended perfectly into a person who's all you. I want to carry your weight and feel you kick and bring you into the world with my own sweat and pain and tears.

But I also want to find you, adopt you, bring you home and watch you grow from a perfect stranger to finally be my very own perfect someone. I want to see my heart rise up and shine out of your eyes as you use the compassion I will teach you. I want to see my old childhood dresses and old childhood games on a frame so different from my own. I want to earn your love, to rescue and protect you and to know that God's perfect plan has brought us together from the ends of the earth. I want to bring you into our family through sacrifice and faith and persistence and so much love.

I want to brush your hair with my fingers and rub your cheeks against mine. I don't care a bit what color they are, and I cannot wait to find out. You will be so beautiful to me.

I can already sense the wonder I will feel as I watch you learn to run and dance and love. I want to just watch you, being you, for hours on end. My eyes and my heart are aching as I imagine how you're going to look, and act, and be.

I want so many of you. I want boys and girls and twins and I want us all to tussle and love and protect each other forever. I want to sing to you and pray with you and lay in the grass watching clouds with you. I want to teach you so many things and learn from you. To read to you and travel with you and stay home under blankets and cuddle you. I want to chase you in parks and catch you in fields and tumble into streams with you. I want to wipe your tears and comfort you. I want to watch you sleeping and feel my heart burst at the seams with the very joy of you.

I'm waiting and hoping and praying for you, my little ones.

I'm imagining you right now in God's big kitchen; He's cooking you up just for me. He's planning our meeting with so much tender care. I just know He's got it all worked out. I'm trying to learn all I can while I wait, oh so impatiently, for that first time when we'll gaze at each other and finally recognize why it has to take so long.

Your father and I are just practicing away at loving, playing, forgiving, laughing, and learning. We're preparing ourselves daily for you. We are so often praying and sometimes crying for you. We are dying to see you grow up, to see who you'll become and what you'll decide to be. We're praying you'll be strong and healthy and safe, but also full of adventure and wildness and joy. We're praying you'll change the world with your love, your passion, and your hard work. God is going to use you, my darlings.

He's already used you to change us. We're changing just thinking about you.

I'll be dreaming of you, my future-ones, and wishing and waiting for you.
I love you so much already.
Come quickly.

Mom

{an update}

I know so many of you are praying for us as we struggle through this messy infertility business and I wanted to update you on where we are now.

At the beginning of July we had our first appointment with a fertility specialist. That meeting was shortly followed by a flurry of tests and a short period of waiting. Some of the tests were simple and easy and the results came back quickly. A few of them were awkward, painful, invasive, or long. And the waiting, while relatively short, felt infinite. I was nervous.

Long story short, there's nothing wrong with either of us. All of our tests came back with the results that we are perfectly normal. Healthy, even. I hear this is called "unexplained infertility."

We haven't had our official "wrap up" appointment with our doctors yet. I know there are procedures they can offer us and medications we can try to increase our monthly chances, which the doctors say are on average about 3% monthly.

We're still thinking and praying about those options. We're also still pursuing acupuncture and alternative medicines and foods. We're praying and slowly pursuing other options, like adoption and foster care. We're sort of going in all directions at once, like working on a blog/ideas to start raising money to adopt and also finishing up a room to use as foster care kids room. I have no idea what God wants us to do. I know He'll make it clear in time, but that time never seems to be now.  

Some moments I am filled with peace and hope and renewed energy to try, try again.

And sometimes I'm not.

Thanks for listening, friends. It really does mean the world to me.

Encountering Mother-Love in Childlessness

I've been rolling this thought around in my brain for a while, savoring it and saving it until that someday when I would have enough experience to be allowed to talk about it. Because right now, I’m not qualified.

Mommy-love. That insane, overpowering love that all women supposedly feel when they first hold or behold their tiny new infant. That tigress, mama-bear, would kill with my own two hands to protect this thing, love. It’s a love that only moms feel. That only moms talk about. That only moms are allowed to understand.

Being infertile means you get left out of a lot of things. You can’t talk about being sleep deprived because you have no idea what that even means until you have a child. You can’t talk about messy houses, or difficult car trips, or any one of a million things without encountering this kind of mom-superiority. God forbid if a few moms get together and begin discussing babies, children, etc. You certainly can’t understand the love. And as an infertile woman, you’re stuck in this place where you are absolutely dying to be allowed to join in, but it also rips your heart out to overhear it. You begin to hate people who talk diapers and wipes and nursery decorations and pregnancy symptoms. You begin to silently despise women who complain about anything to do with their children. Because how dare they? How dare they not savor every single solitary moment with their precious little one. Especially because they have the love. The sacred love that only moms have.

Why don’t they put it to better use?

Of course I’m being hyperbolic. Of course moms can’t possibly feel loving all the time. It’s about the actions, not the feeling. I came across this article written by a mom who had lost her daughter at five days old. She talked about the love and how it kept her going. How she didn't want it to just go away again, so she poured it out into her life. She began using that love to reach out to others and try to somehow make the world a better place because her daughter had been here. That article really struck a chord with me.

I've been so unable to explain to people why I do what I do. I get a lot of credit somehow because I am infertile and I work in a crisis pregnancy center. I meet with moms or pregnant women and try to help them through. People stare at me with some kind of confused awe when they ask me how I can stand to be there with all these moms and unwanted babies, many of whom choose to abort what I so desperately desire.

I used to kind of shrug my shoulders. I dunno, I’d say, but somehow I just don’t feel those feelings when I’m there. I attribute it to the Holy Spirit, which I know is where that strength comes from. And I feel uncomfortable with the awe and the pats on the back. Because it honestly isn't hard. And while I was reading that article, it struck me:

This is the love.

The love is why I do what I do. I’m not left out of anything. I have that love, that mother-love that I so sacredly esteemed and so jealously desired. I have it. It was in me all along, and I am doing the only thing I can do with it; I’m pouring it out on a hurting world. I’m taking that energy and love that I want to be pouring into my child and giving it to hurting women and broken families.

I’m starting to believe that we all have that love inside of us. It’s the love that Jesus talks about that lays down its life for a friend. The love that brought Him down to earth and led Him up onto the cross. The love He told us to have for each other. This is loving your neighbor.

This love isn't just for moms. Maybe I’m going to make a lot of moms mad by saying this, but they don’t have a corner on love. Humans have loved each other ferociously for centuries. Men have given their lives on the battlefield to protect their comrades. Strangers have run into burning buildings to rescue someone they’ll never know. Love, overwhelming, unafraid, feisty and complicated has been the motivator for acts of desperation and glory throughout our entire history. It’s the climax of every story, the truest need of the human heart. Maybe moms feel it in a different way, but they don’t own it. They can’t. Because the love belongs to everyone.

The love has always been here inside me. Inside you, too. Sometimes I have felt the love, and it was a frightening thing. It’s been stuck inside me, yearning to get out and pour out into a child, and it has turned bitter and horrendous and scary. It has been in me, trying to escape, and it has overwhelmed me with grief and loss and a strange, horrible sense of beautiful rage. I don’t know how else to explain it. The love is in me, and it must get out.  Do you feel it in you? Are you holding it in and allowing it to fester and change into something it’s not?

Let it out. You have love, beautiful love, inside you, and with it you can change the world.

{lupine lady}

I, too, want to visit far away places. I, too, want to live by the sea. And I, too, must do something to make the world more beautiful.

Fairy Garden Party

Last night I had a big group of lovely young ladies over to make Fairy Gardens. We ate candy. We drank soda. We got a lot of dirt under our finger nails. I got zero shots of the finished product. It was awesome! 

Pre-party porch. I tried to make it all feel like fairy land with the hanging lights. I'm not sure the girls even noticed. But I like them! 

They each were allowed to plant one tall-ish flowering plant in a hanging pot and then surrounded it with tiny succulents or ground cover. Then they added miniature animals, butterflies, flags, etc to decorate the gardens and make them welcoming to fairies! Our local nursery has a really large selection of miniature plants right now, yours probably does too!

I decorate with weeds. Get over it ;)

There was a very exciting photo-shoot following the garden-making.

I'm just proud that my porch is clean. 

Gymnastics, rolling in the grass, hysterical laughter, a few injuries, someone stepping in some hidden dog poop (my bad, girls), and a few really sweet conversations later and it was all just a very hyper dream. 

A lot of people use miniature houses, streams, paths, etc. Those fancier things just get pricey when you're buying supplies for large groups. If you want to make one yourself, here is a link to a simple fairy garden tutorial. Or I suggest checking out Pinterest or goolge for ideas. Duh. 

Now I need to make one for myself! 

Thursday's child: Dinosaur

I've gotta say, even as a grown woman I still get really excited about dinosaurs. Something about them is just so fascinating and fun to me. They are mystical creatures that really did exist. 

When I have kids, you can bet your buttons they'll be dressed up like dinosaurs about half the time. 

Do you have a favorite animal that just screams "childhood" to you?

Thursday's Child: Teal, mint, blue

                                                                                                  Source: projectnursery.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                                Source: apartmenttherapy.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                                  Source: Uploaded by user via Daniella on Pinterest

I have several girl friends who are pregnant. And lots of them are having girls! 

One of my best girls just painted her baby girl's nursery turquoise with a sweet yellow reading nook. So, because I apparently have no other inspiration this week, here are some pretty nurseries to stare at. 

In other news, I have a sore throat, I slept on my neck wrong, and I'm eating a cup of ice-cream and coffee to perk me up before soccer practice. 

I hope you're having a happy Thursday!

Thursday's Child: Books

                                                                         Source: mediabistro.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                           Source: dailyartfixx.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                 Source: everyday-houseblend.blogspot.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                  Source: childrensbooksonline.org via Daniella on Pinterest

One of the greatest gifts ever given me was a love of reading. When my parents (or maybe my sister?) taught me to read, it opened the door to more magic than any trip to Disneyland, any movie, any toy ever could. The ability to use my imagination in combination with the written word is priceless. I love movies, but they almost never live up to the beauty, the glamour, the fun, the excitement that goes on in my own mind when reading a good book. Even bad books (hello, Twilight) are more tolerable as books because my imagination makes up the majority of the story. I could go on and on about the benefits I've received from reading good books. A better grasp of grammar, a larger vocabulary, a never-ending source of conversation, etc. So read your children books! And when they're old enough, teach them. Teach them to read, but also teach them to love books. 

                                                                     Source: images.google.com via Daniella on Pinterest

Slightly upset

This is an awkward post, and I don't really know how to write it.

This blog has evolved a lot, and I know it's often a lot more about me and my life than it is about decorating, fashion, or anything else I pretend it's about.
But sometimes it's so easy to hide behind the internet, to show only the good or funny parts of my life, to be an edited version of my whole self.
I think editing is good. I don't think everyone should just explode with all their thoughts and feelings on the internet for everyone to see. That could be painful, hurtful, irritating, and inappropriate.
But I feel like, if you're actually still here reading this blog, you probably either know me, or care about me, or are at least a little interested in what I have to say. Goodness knows why, but you are, right?
I've avoided talking about this stuff on my blog, because I don't want to bring you all down. I don't want to get too serious all the time, to dump my personal problems on here.
That being said, I think I should write about this. So I am.

Infertility.
They define it as a couple regularly trying (and failing) to get pregnant for at least a year.
Apparently, I've got it. Because it's been a year since Phillip and I started trying to get pregnant. And so far: nothing.
I've been trying a natural planning method since November. It involves taking my temperature every morning as well as charting a lot of other stuff. The method makes me feel good, and powerful, because it's taught me a whole lot about my body, how it works, what it's doing, and why. I like knowing what's going on inside of me, it makes me feel like I have more control. And if you know me, you also know I'm way into "natural" medical stuff.
But the truth is, I also feel completely out of control. Every month, when I feel like I've done everything right,  and I start my period anyway, I go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, all the stages of grief, in one day. I'm trying, really trying, not to let it affect my mood. I'm not obsessing about it on a daily basis, I'm not depressed about it all the time.
But I do have moments of grief, moments of anger, that other women get pregnant so easily, so quickly, so often when they don't even want to, and I seemingly can't. There are times when my heart aches, and other times when it feels numb. I experience moments of extreme joy and also pain when I hear that another friend is expecting, another baby has been born.
Basically, this is a roller coaster. If you've been here, you know. If you are waiting, waiting, waiting for anything in your life, you know.
I have experienced these intense moments of pain and frustration, but I have also experienced comfort. Comfort from my dear family, from sweet friends, from strangers, even. But most of all, comfort from God.
I have been convicted and uplifted by the idea that I am equipped to handle this challenge. I see everywhere in scripture that God does not give us any trials we cannot handle, any challenges we cannot face, and that He will never leave us to face them alone. I am equipped to use this situation to bring Him glory. If He didn't think that I was capable, He wouldn't even ask.
Not only am I completely capable to face this, I am going to be used because of it. Someday, in some way, I will be able to use this experience to comfort others.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God."
2 Cor. 1:3-4
So if you think of it, pray for me to be comforted, to grow, to use this challenge to change and shape my life. And I will pray for you, if you too need patience and comfort. Really, please let me know what it is I can pray for.
I have a lot of tests, a lot of decisions, ahead of me. I am only willing to go so far towards pursuing pregnancy medically (see, natural healthcare freak), and I don't want to go too far. I want to step forward in faith, knowing God can and will make me pregnant if it's His will. And if it's not, He will give me a great reward to fill my heart and my time.
Thanks for reading. I'll be back to regular, random posting soon.

Thursday's Child: Yellow Stripes

                                                                       Source: dwellingsbydevore.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                             Source: ohdeedoh.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                 Source: polyvore.com via Becki on Pinterest

                                                                          Source: poemsandnovels.blogspot.com via Aria on Pinterest

                                                                               Source: ohdeedoh.com via Bee on Pinterest

                                                                                   Source: houzz.com via Sheralyn on Pinterest

Yellow stripes, especially on the ceiling, seem to be really "in" for children's rooms at the moment. I'm loving them. So bright and cheerful! However, I also really like the more subtle impact of just a single yellow stripe here and there. Which do you prefer?

Thursday's Child: Pink vs Blue

If you were a little girl, which would you choose?

Thursday's Child: Indians

This episode of Thursday's Child is brought to you by an embarrassing story from Phillip's past. Don't worry, he'll never know, since he doesn't read this anyway!

Phillip grew up in Farmington, NM. His mom worked for the Public Health Service in Shiprock, right on the Navajo Reservation. In case you didn't know, NM is full of Native Americans. Farmington is no exception, in fact, there is I think an even bigger percentage of Native Americans there due to it's proximity to reservations. 

Needless to say, Phillip had been around his fair share of Native Americans. But to him, as a small child, they were just people.

One day, his parents took him to a Navajo festival of some kind. It involved a big parade. They were standing on the side of the parade, surrounded by a huge crowd, watching the dancing, costumed people march by. As his mom tells it, they were the only white people for miles. And they, as a family, probably really stuck out, because they are all exceedingly blond-haired and blue-eyed and fair-skinnned.

As the parade continued, Phillip got bored. He looked up at his parents and began to complain in a very loud voice.

"Mom! When are we going to see the INDIANS!?!?"

She leaned down and whispered "Honey, these are the Indians."

Apparently, everyone was extremely gracious and thought Phillip was the cutest thing ever. 

I love that little kids are so slow to notice the color of a person's skin. 

Thursday's Child: Blue & Orange

I'm really loving this blue/orange color combo for a nursery. It's very gender neutral without feeling too gender neutral, if you know what I mean. I guess I've never seen a green and yellow gender neutral nursery that I loved as much as these blue and orange ones! And see how well it translates into an older girl's room? Or guest room, for that matter! I know blue and orange would also make a wonderful older boy's room, even though I don't have a good example today. 

What do you think of the blue and orange color scheme? Too grown up for a nursery? Too "Broncos"? Or if you love it, which room above is your favorite?

Thursday's Child: Street Style

                                                                                Source: instaview.me via Lady on Pinterest

                                                                          Source: 28.media.tumblr.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                            Source: tumblr.com via Kimberly on Pinterest

                                                                             Source: Uploaded by user via Tran on Pinterest

So, what do you think of these stylish little kiddos?

Undoubtedly these are adorable children, but what do you think of this idea of dressing children like little adults? My mom was always insistent on age-appropriate dress in our house. Maybe it's best to just let children be children, and save this fashion drama for later in life? Although those tiny little suit coats and loafers are super duper cute. Maybe if you don't go too far overboard? 

I don't care how they're dressed, now I want a toddler to play with!

Thursday's Child: Rolling

Last weeekend, I went to an antique show with my grandmother.

For some odd reason we were talking about the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your baby and she told me the cutest story.

She was an only child, and her parents were always very strict about bed time. They would put her to bed and then tiptoe around the house quietly with the TV turned way down and no loud noises allowed. When she went away to college, she had a really hard time sleeping because of all the noise and activity constantly going on in the dorms. She said there wasn't a day that went by that she didn't get up in the morning saying "I am SO tired!" 

When she married my grandpa, she was still a very light sleeper. Nine months later she had my dad, and she became an even lighter sleeper! She'd never been around a baby before. She said that if there was any sound at all, she would jump up to check on the baby. She would lay awake trying to hear him breath and be scared all the time that something was wrong. She wasn't getting any sleep. 

Apparently he slept in a small bassinet on wheels. She solved her sleeping problems by putting him to sleep in her room, laying him in his bassinet, and wheeling it out into the hall right outside the door. She could shut the door and go to sleep but still hear him if he actually cried! 

I love imagining my grandmother as a young girl and the mental image of her wheeling my dad's bassinet around the house, for some reason it is so funny! But now that I think about it, why don't more cribs have wheels?! 

Did you/would you co-sleep? Or would you wheel your baby out into the hall? 

Thursday's Child: Baby Bump Photos

                                                                           Source: muddybootsphoto.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                             Source: flickr.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                   Source: flickr.com via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                            Source: lizellelotter.co.za via Daniella on Pinterest

If you're pregnant, you should take pictures like these. I especially love the peeking-from-behind-the-door one. 

Happy Thursday!

Thursday's Child: Star Wars

                                                                                    Source: None via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                 Source: None via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                    Source: None via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                        Source: Uploaded by user via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                  Source: None via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                   Source: None via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                                    Source: None via Daniella on Pinterest

                                                                       Source: offbeatmama.com via Daniella on Pinterest

             Today's Thursday's Child post is brought to you by one of my very first loves, Star Wars. I cannot stress how much I love that Darth Vader/Princess costume. I want one just like it! 

I think Star Wars has some very good things to teach both parents and children. I plan on immersing my children in the Star Wars culture from a young age, I know they'll be better for it. 

May the Force be with you!