Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Slightly upset

This is an awkward post, and I don't really know how to write it.

This blog has evolved a lot, and I know it's often a lot more about me and my life than it is about decorating, fashion, or anything else I pretend it's about.
But sometimes it's so easy to hide behind the internet, to show only the good or funny parts of my life, to be an edited version of my whole self.
I think editing is good. I don't think everyone should just explode with all their thoughts and feelings on the internet for everyone to see. That could be painful, hurtful, irritating, and inappropriate.
But I feel like, if you're actually still here reading this blog, you probably either know me, or care about me, or are at least a little interested in what I have to say. Goodness knows why, but you are, right?
I've avoided talking about this stuff on my blog, because I don't want to bring you all down. I don't want to get too serious all the time, to dump my personal problems on here.
That being said, I think I should write about this. So I am.

They define it as a couple regularly trying (and failing) to get pregnant for at least a year.
Apparently, I've got it. Because it's been a year since Phillip and I started trying to get pregnant. And so far: nothing.
I've been trying a natural planning method since November. It involves taking my temperature every morning as well as charting a lot of other stuff. The method makes me feel good, and powerful, because it's taught me a whole lot about my body, how it works, what it's doing, and why. I like knowing what's going on inside of me, it makes me feel like I have more control. And if you know me, you also know I'm way into "natural" medical stuff.
But the truth is, I also feel completely out of control. Every month, when I feel like I've done everything right,  and I start my period anyway, I go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, all the stages of grief, in one day. I'm trying, really trying, not to let it affect my mood. I'm not obsessing about it on a daily basis, I'm not depressed about it all the time.
But I do have moments of grief, moments of anger, that other women get pregnant so easily, so quickly, so often when they don't even want to, and I seemingly can't. There are times when my heart aches, and other times when it feels numb. I experience moments of extreme joy and also pain when I hear that another friend is expecting, another baby has been born.
Basically, this is a roller coaster. If you've been here, you know. If you are waiting, waiting, waiting for anything in your life, you know.
I have experienced these intense moments of pain and frustration, but I have also experienced comfort. Comfort from my dear family, from sweet friends, from strangers, even. But most of all, comfort from God.
I have been convicted and uplifted by the idea that I am equipped to handle this challenge. I see everywhere in scripture that God does not give us any trials we cannot handle, any challenges we cannot face, and that He will never leave us to face them alone. I am equipped to use this situation to bring Him glory. If He didn't think that I was capable, He wouldn't even ask.
Not only am I completely capable to face this, I am going to be used because of it. Someday, in some way, I will be able to use this experience to comfort others.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God."
2 Cor. 1:3-4
So if you think of it, pray for me to be comforted, to grow, to use this challenge to change and shape my life. And I will pray for you, if you too need patience and comfort. Really, please let me know what it is I can pray for.
I have a lot of tests, a lot of decisions, ahead of me. I am only willing to go so far towards pursuing pregnancy medically (see, natural healthcare freak), and I don't want to go too far. I want to step forward in faith, knowing God can and will make me pregnant if it's His will. And if it's not, He will give me a great reward to fill my heart and my time.
Thanks for reading. I'll be back to regular, random posting soon.


  1. I love you, Sis, and I pray for you every day.

  2. Big hugs to you, sweetheart. I remember the grief and anguish of realizing that God didn't mean for me to have children. You have a lot of time, though - you're both young, and maybe it's just not time yet. And they do say that the less you try, the more likely it is that it will happen.

    Anyway. Didn't mean to ramble. Just to say that I appreciate knowing how to pray for you, and that I love you.

  3. I do love your blog! I stumbled upon it about a year ago and am a regular reader :) Thank you for your honesty! My hubby and I are not even actively trying but I feel a lot of similar emotions. You will be in my prayers!

  4. I really appreciated your openness. I loved how you realize how fully God wants what is best for you and you are willing to let Him do that- even when it hurts and aches so badly! Even though I haven't dealt with infertility (yet?) I do know what it is like to wait.

    I used to think that there was just this one test and then life would bam! get easy. I have since learned that it doesn't. Life is just a training field where you go from easy to hard in progressive steps. But you emerge a seasoned warrior.

    Here is a verse a blogger friend passed onto me when I was going through some aches in life, I hope it comforts you as much as it did me.

    "But now thus says the LORD, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel:
    "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
    Because you are precious in My eyes,and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life."
    Isaiah 43:1-4

    I will be praying for you! Rebecca

    1. Oh Hunny, my heart hurts for this part of you and this trial that you are facing, and I pray daily that God will give you this desire of your heart. You are a wonderful lady, darling friend, and mean so much to me and so many. I will continue to pray for your comfort, strength, joy and a fulfillment of this dream. I love you, Darling Dani!!! ~Shannon

  5. I will continue to pray for you in this area. As Rebecca said, waiting is hard, no matter what area of life it might be in - waiting for a husband, waiting for a baby, waiting for direction in your life. They are all hard waits, but the waiting for things we absolutely can't control are so very hard and can only be "endured" when you rely on GOD as you shared you're doing. I admire you even more knowing that you spend every week down at the pregnancy center, knowing you'd give anything to be carrying a baby. I remember when you wanted so badly to be married, and GOD answered that prayer for you. I know HE will answer this one, too!!

  6. Oh, Daniella!!! I'm so sorry I didn't see this post until today!!
    I am so. so. so very sorry that you're going though this.
    It sucks. It's awful. It hurts in ways that you can't possibly describe. It sneaks up on you and hurts in situations that take you by surprise. I have no idea if it will help, but I blogged the hell out of this situation over at Ovulation Adventures.

    Counseling was the only reason I stayed off of antidepressants through all that awful waiting. That and blogging and a LOT of church.

    And, Daniella, I'm almost in tears over the fact that you made my Katherine a headband while you were going through this. And volunteering at the pregnancy center? You are a saintly woman, my friend.

    You are in my prayers. And you will remain in my prayers until you have your baby in your arms.