Thursday, February 20, 2014

{on worry}

These months leading up to the deployment are hard. Right now the deployment is "certain" with a huge dose of uncertainty. The timeline keeps changing, there is a training possibility that means the deployment could be cancelled last minute and P would go elsewhere, there are fertility and adoption issues to consider and living situations to think about. And no decisions can be made without knowing the info that the AF just won't tell us yet! 
There is just so.much.waiting.
And in the midst of the waiting is the enormous pressure to worry. In my attempts to stay calm and not stress I feel like my life has been a constant cycle of yoga, bubble bath, long walk, prayer, repeat. I'm doing everything I know to keep the stress at bay and yet I still see signs of it in my body, in my face. I wake up from hectic dreams and find myself gritting my teeth until my jaw aches. I have moments of overwhelming fear and feel myself teeter on the brink of falling apart.
And yet, amid the stress and worry, I am given gentle reminders of the Lord's presence with me, of His hand guiding us gently and lovingly through this process. In this period of waiting there is fear and trepidation, but there is also comfort and confidence that His plans will ultimately succeed. I cling ferociously to His unceasing love. I remind myself daily that feelings are fleeting and temporary things. I will not feel this forever, I will not wait forever. Days pass slowly, but they always, always pass. 
It's obviously not good for me to be stressed. Thus the bubble baths, the yoga, the calming teas and the time I'm trying to spend in nature every day. I'm avoiding grains and sugars and chemicals and trying to give my mind and body every chance to cope with the stress.
But this period, however difficult or painful, is good for me, too. It is good for me to wait. And I will find joy in the waiting: I will battle worry and learn a deeper, sweeter form of trust. 

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