{non} Mother's Day

Mother's day is really hard. 

It's such a delightful celebration of mothers and motherhood. And such a horrendously painful reminder, year after year, that I am still not a mom. 

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful mother and mother-in-law. I love them dearly and am so grateful for them. I'm glad there is a day to remind me to be especially thankful for such dear women in my life.

Last year I got to spend Mother's day in Albuquerque. I celebrated with my mom and sister, who are both really great moms and fill my life with so much joy. But unfortunately, all I remember about the day is that Lydia held my hand really tightly all the way through church as I sat and cried silent tears of grief and loss.

I also very clearly remember hearing the sermon through my muffled sobs. It was about Hannah, who prayed violently to the Lord for a child and was granted her request. 

What a beautiful story. 

But for some reason it filled me with terrible sadness instead of hope. Like somehow I needed to be reminded that there are women who suffer on Mother's day. They would give anything to be a mother, but they aren't. For some reason, Hannah's story honestly makes me mad. It seems like so many other women are given the gift of motherhood, or even have it rather surprisingly thrust upon them, and yet Hannah had to bargain with God before her request was granted. She had to promise to give her child back to the Lord? She desperately wanted a child, and then she couldn't keep him? It's unreasonable, I know. That's not what it's really all about. But still, the story bugs me. 

This year we're home in Denver and won't be able to be with either of our moms. Our church is planning to have infant dedications during the services. I've already learned to sneak quietly out to the bathroom during infant dedications. But this time, I'm just going to stay home to avoid it all.

I've planned a small brunch with our dear friends who are also struggling with infertility. I'm making huevos rancheros, pico de gallo, baked french toast, and frozen strawberry mimosas. Cooking is soothing, apparently. I should probably also lay low and avoid social media: pictures and posts galore of happy moms with their children, flowers, cards, and joy. 

There is so much hope in this season, so much to be grateful for as I watch the Spring come and the Lord make everything new.
If you think about it on this day, please take a second to remember those around you who are struggling. Remember the women, precious in His eyes, who are facing the raw pain of a past abortion. Or the aching loss of a miscarriage. Or carrying the heavy burden of empty arms.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18