Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Diary of an Unwilling Air Force Wife: What is wrong with me?

Since Phillip's been gone, I haven't really cried. Not once. I teared up as I walked away from the van that would take him to the airport to fly off to basic, but I didn't cry. And I also teared up when I missed his call last Friday morning and sat down to listen to his voice on the message. I've actually teared up lots of times.But that could be due to allergies. I haven't really cried at all. Not like my last "diary" post. Not real, ugly, sobbing, releasing crying. Not once. Nor have I felt like it.

The day Phillip left, I got a text from my friend who's husband is in the Army.
"Hey I'm thinking of you and praying for you today. For me the first day I just cried all day so I know it can be hard."
I replied: "I haven't actually cried yet - I'm still doing pretty good!"
She didn't answer that. She probably thinks I'm heartless. 

All that week, people asked me repeatedly "How are you?" in a concerned voice that implied I was falling apart at the seams. They called when I was late to make sure I wasn't crying alone at home. And I always felt a twinge of guilt for answering "I'm doing just fine! I've been so busy I've barely felt lonely at all!"

What is wrong with me?

Its not that I don't miss Phillip. I do. I have a really hard time sleeping now and wake up often from strange dreams. I lie awake trying to pray for him and just feel lost and alone. But every morning I climb out of bed, get ready for work, and feel fine. Cheerful, even. 

I've had only one moment: when I was driving home from a situation that frustrated and hurt me. I wanted desperately to cry about that situation, and I wanted to tell Phillip all about it. Like a child with a scraped knee, I longed to run to him with my wounded heart and have him sooth me, vindicate me, promise that the person who pushed me down was wrong. I went to my Savior instead, who also sooths and comforts me in the most precious way. But I still wanted Phillip, too. 

Aside from that moment, I just haven't been that sad. I made Phillip do most of the talking on Sunday when he called so that I wouldn't have to talk about how busy and not-sad I've been. So he wouldn't know how little true heart-ache I've been suffering. When we spent the summer apart while dating, I felt more pain than this. I cried and felt so empty and alone and lonely. All the time. But now? Nothing.

What is wrong with me?

Most of my girlfriends with husbands/boyfriends/fiances in the service are so vocal about this. They post about missing their man on Facebook, often multiple times a day. They post cutesy pictures and prayer requests and complaints. They post about how lonely they are. 
I post nothing. I didn't even post the one good(ish) picture I took at his swearing in. His mom posted it, but I didn't. I think I'm just not comfortable with being that public about my feelings? Do I even have any feelings?

What is wrong with me?

Yesterday, I told my mom all about it. About how busy I've been, about how nice it is to have my house to myself and see my friends. 
"I haven't really been sad almost at all! I was expecting to cry and ache for him. But I haven't. What is wrong with me?"
"Honey," my mom said, "He's only been gone a week."

Thank God. There's still time for me to learn to be normal. 


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  2. You don't need to cry because I teared up for you as I read your post. I wasn't teary eyed because YOU never cried, but my heart ached for you because you felt there was something wrong with you. I want to share this with you, too. I think most people would say I'm a good Mom and love my children dearly. I remember expecting Rebecca and anxiously looking forward to having a "baby". When she was born I felt.....nothing. I didn't just explode with emotions nor did love come seeping out of every pore like I heard EVERY other mother say had happened to them. I honestly wondered if we should even take her home since I didn't feel the way I was "supposed" to. It took several weeks before I truly fell in love with that baby, but it took me several years to realize there was nothing wrong with me because I didn't respond the way I thought the world expected me to.

    I think it's obvious you love your husband, and if you don't break down crying all the time, then be thankful that God has given you a strength you didn't know you had. I do hate that we make each other feel or think that others expect us to feel certain ways at certain times. For right now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what God has given you to do while Phillip is away from you. When it hits you, then you'll be thankful that you haven't wasted any kleenex before that time. Until then, NO - there is nothing wrong with you!!

  3. I read your first post when you were upset that he was leaving and have a hard time before he left. I think you might have done your grieving before he left and got it all out already. Now your done, and ready to move forward with the reality. I think your okay :)

  4. Thank you for the sweet comments! I know there's not ACTUALLY something wrong with me, but I was feeling a little...robotic. Which makes me feel guilty I guess. But on the other hand, its true, I'm grateful for this strength. And for the prayers that I'm sure are covering me. Thank you.

  5. i don't think you should feel at all "robotic" or guilty- i know nobody thinks you're heartless! everybody deals with things differently- and it's true, he's only been gone a week.

    but even if you -never- have weeks of endless tears, that's okay. you're a strong, independent woman, and God often gives us more strength than we realize.

    Phillip knows you love him, and you know you love him. Perhaps you just spent your time emotionally preparing before you left better than most military girls :)