Diary of an Unwilling Air Force Wife: "I'm going to ask more of you."

Well, you should be happy to know that I've gotten over the whole "not crying" thing. The news about North Korea attacking South Korea, the possibility of a war in Asia, and the three minute phone call on Wednesday of last week finally got to me. My husband could really truly be going into a fresh, new, scary war. And then Phillip called on Thanksgiving to tell me that his left knee is giving him a lot of trouble and he has to go to the medic - this could ultimately lead to several outcomes, the most scary of which would be discharging him or moving him to a unit that would delay his graduation date by weeks or more. And having a big family holiday without him around started to sting. 

And now, everywhere I go there is Christmas music and holiday decorations and strangers, and everything is so romantic and I'm just so very alone. I started to feel whiny. I haven't said much, but I feel grumpy and justified in having a bad attitude about things. But on Sunday, I forced myself to get up and go to church. I really didn't want to go by myself and sit alone in the pew without Phillip's voice to follow during the songs. It just isn't fun to go it alone, to force myself to really focus on my own faith, alone. But, as usually happens when I don't want to do something but know I should, I was so glad I went.

The music was beautiful. The old people I sat near were warm and sweet. The confession time reminded me that putting my faith in myself was a total waste of time. My strength is not coming from me, but from Him. And then my pastor started to speak.*

"I have to tell you all," he said, "that I don't really know what this sermon is about. I didn't come up with a practical application. I think that the application will be different for each one of you, and you need to really ask yourself "What is God saying to me through this?""

He went on to talk about "the Big Ask" - a question someone asks you that will require much of you. Like asking someone to marry you, asking them to take a job, or like the questions Jesus always asked. "Come with Me and I will make you fishers of men." "Leave everything you have, all your belongings and family, and follow Me."

"There is at least one Big Ask in everyone's life, " said my pastor, "something that God is asking you. He's calling you to something, to salvation, to a life of service. But the Big Ask's will probably never end. He is constantly asking us another Big Ask. He is saying to us, "I'm going to ask more of you." "

All day Sunday, and actually ever since, I haven't been able to stop thinking about those words.

"I'm going to ask more of you."

They are powerful, and frankly, they really bugged me. I felt really stressed by them. Hasn't he asked enough of me? Aren't I already stretched as thin as can be? I've let my husband go to pursue a dream that I didn't really share. I've been trying hard to draw my strength from Him, to do good for Him with my time and resources, to be faithful and strong, supportive and godly. I've tried not to allow myself to succumb to worry and fear, even when it feels like more and more things are going wrong.

I definitely broke down and cried on Sunday night, out of frustration that Phillip couldn't call again, out of fear for our future, and out of pain and anger with God. Haven't You asked for enough?  

And then I realized: It will never be enough. What He was saying to me is this:

I'm going to ask more of you, and I'm going to ask again and again until you have given Me everything.

He will ask me to put more, and more, and more faith in Him until I am completely reliant on Him. He will ask me to give more and more of my time, energy, and thoughts to Him. I'll probably never get there, or even close to there, but He will never stop asking me to try. He will never stop challenging me to give up more and give Him more.

Probably this is something that every single Christian (other than me) has already figured out. But I'd never heard it put into those words before.

I'm going to ask more of you. 

But He isn't asking me to do this alone, or even to do much at all. I have nothing left to do but to be grateful that He will never ask more of me than He can handle. 

*These are probably not my pastor's actual words. I just paraphrased the parts the struck me.