{listening}

There are so many possibilities swirling around me right now. My mind is flooded with ideas, both big and small, for change and growth and possibly some life-altering steps. There are quite a few things I have been contemplating for some time now. I tend to think about this idea or that and then discard it instead of pursuing it. 

I'm often terrible at taking that first big leap of faith and actually starting down any road. I have been so torn this last year. I know I am where God wants me to be, but am I doing everything He wants me to be doing? Does He want me to try again, try harder, to find a full-time job? Or any job? Or am I supposed to be in a resting period, a stay-at-home wife with little to do in preparation for the next stage of my life? I have been trying to wait with patience, to fill my time with really worthy activities. I really love working with the kids at church, and I do that a lot. I love taking care of my house and cooking healthy meals and walking my dog and crafting and entertaining. I love my bible study group and the hard work it often involves. I love working with the women at the pregnancy center and feeling like I really am helping women, one at a time, and pouring love into their often dark lives. But is that enough? Is that all I should be doing right now?

There have been a few things going around and around in my mind for a very long time now. One thing I have been considering for at least a year is the idea of going back to school. I would love to get my degree in Christian counseling and use it to help women and teens. I finally did a little bit of research into programs and schools and tuition. Money is a major factor that's been holding me back from even considering it. Also, I don't want to go back to school. I want to know about counseling, be a counselor, help others. But I really don't want to go to school.
There's an open job at the pregnancy center right now and I sent in my resume, hoping to at least get some more information about working there, which has also been on my mind for a long time. But the second I sent in my resume I was gripped with indecision and fear and uncertainty. Is that kind of full-time job, with a long commute and long hours, what I really want? Is it what God really wants for me?
There are also so many options surrounding adoption, foster-parenting, infertility treatments, the possibility of moving soon, and on and on and on.

This seems to be my biggest problem, really. I honestly don't know what I want.

So for now, I'm just trying to really listen. To listen to myself. To listen to God. To listen and discern what's best for me, for my family, my future, my ministry. I'll let you know if I hear anything worthwhile.